Why bother?

I am a Jerk.

I have been a manipulative controlling person most of my life. I fancied arguing with other people and causing conflict, specifically women. I would accuse them at times of being abusive to me so I could make them feel bad, but I was abusive to them and therefore I could twist it around. I didn't realize I was creating victims out of nothing.

For some reason I am blessed with the ability to self analyze. I can literally watch myself in action and call myself out on my behavior when I am being a Jerk. My wife and I thank god for this because its what has kept us married.

Well I never bothered to ask myself why I was doing these kind of things til around my mid-late 20's. I finally did and when I did I said to myself,"Why did you bother to hurt that person?" I figured well they pissed me off. But when i went back and looked at who they were and what they meant to me as a lover & friend, I realized she didnt do anything to me but say "Hello Hon." and I was angry at something that day and took it out on her. So after I realized who was the real victim I decided to find out what my issue was. Boy was I in for a surprise. I found I had a ton of issues. Still have many. I have read some books on the subject of abuse and thought that might give some answers. well it did. I grew up in an all-female household. I had my mother who was divorced and I had my sister who was 2 years older than me. Both of them had treated me very unfair in alot of ways so I grew up resenting them. As I got older and went out into the world to find love I was always focused on finding a girlfriend. What I was really doing was looking for an emotional punching bag but I didn't know this at the time.

This is VERY hard for me to tell you all about because I, as a Jerk, don't want you to know these things because then I am exposing my true nature and will be called out for it. Its hard and it hurts. But I imagine its a long time coming compared to the women I have emotionally abused over the years. I have slowly changed over the years but its still hard. My wife knows me pretty well, and thats because I tell her a lot about these things. So she has suggested to me women need to know these things too.

I am going to be discussing with you all the information I can pertaining as to why men are such Jerks in this blog. I feel you should know whats going on in our heads when we start making you feel its your fault and it isn't.

I am also writing a book that will be available later this year giving a detailed account of whats going on inside men's brain that they just don't want you to know about.